Tintin is here to make you laugh

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No,” I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked

“No I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money.  ”Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded.

“Won’t your hubby be furious with you for doing that?  I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, “Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away.”

The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

The man says, “Let me tell you a secret. You know I’ve been married for 6 years now and I’ve been your client for 5 years.”

“Yes, go on,” the stockbroker says.

“Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress.”

“Wow, I didn’t know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it.”

“No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.”

A stockbroker says to his colleague, “I don’t think this line of work is for you. You just keep losing money all the time.”

“You’re right,” he replied. “My whole life all I’ve done is lose money”.

Next day he comes to work and resigns.

His coworker asks, “What are you going to do for living?”

“I finally figured out how I can make some money from losing money all the time.”

“How?”

“I am going to build a web page and take it public.”

Why don’t you try this idea…trust me you will definitely save some money
If you bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $79.

My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

lol just kidding

The Walton’s invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.

Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, “Daddy is a fisherman!” To which Mrs.Walton replied, “Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman.”

“No mom. Every time we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says ‘I just caught another fish’.”

A young stockbroker decided to take a day off and visit some of his professors in his old school. When he made his way into the entrance he noticed a dog was attacking a small child. He quickly grabbed the dog and throttled it with his two hands.

The next day the local newspaper reported the story with the headline, “Valiant student saves boy from ferocious dog”.

The stockbroker called the editor and strongly suggested that a correction be issued and that the paper will tell the readers he was a successful Wall Street broker and not a student.

The next day the newspaper issued a correction and the headline read, “Pompous stockbroker kills school mascot”.

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. “I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it’s the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others” he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. “See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!”
“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss mathematics!”

“And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!”
“Why that’s wonderful!” Says Albert. “We can discuss physics!”

“And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!”
“That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!”

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert’s hand and shake it. “I’m your last room mate and I’m sorry, but my IQ is only 80.”
Albert smiles back at him and says, “So, where do you think interest rates are headed?”

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”

A lawyer’s dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and asks, “if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?” The lawyer answers, “Absolutely.”

Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.